Thoughts for Me to Ponder Today

My eyes have scanned passed the tab that shows, "Blogger: Never Ceases to Amuse Me," many times. Yesterday, my fingers opened tabs that grouped the Blogger tab near tabs for "Sample Ballots," "May 21st elections | KTVB Boise," and other tabs for specific candidates and issues in yesterday's primary. They are still open this morning. I have yet to see the outcomes. And just beyond them are tabs that exercised my eyes, my fingers, and my intellect. They were multiple tabs for each web site like CareerBuilder, Monster (including an article Perceived as Overqualified -What Now?), specific companies (research and job postings), and online searches of job requirements (Workforce Management Body of Knowledge Erlang C, for example). And behind all of this was a wrestling match of responsibilities: Weight, Health, Unemployment, Each Kid, Wife, Church. And referring the match was my Lack of Interest. Not really apathy. I just not really concerned, for good or ill, about the outcome. I don't believe I have actually reached depressed. I still keep up on dishes and poopy diapers. I manage squabbles and chores among the kids. I watched barely over an hour of television yesterday. (The last 20 minutes of The Voice didn't really have any meaning for me, but for Asian Red Fox, it was quite different. It was fun sharing that with her.). And while I did play computer games, I advanced slowly through the levels, with an abundance of long pauses to get back to work.

All of this review of yesterday was to begin to bring to pass the follow-thru the feeling that I need to turn things around. I"m not sure how, but I need to. To accomplish the turn around, I am going to look today at some of the thoughts I've had -

• Fight my Lack of Interest with faith. I am going to read more books, scriptures, and articles. Yesterday, I started to read:
• The Enoch Letters by Neal A. Maxwell
• Chapter 10: Our Search for Truth from Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith
• Chapter 40 from The Book of Alma in the Book of Mormon
• Perform an experiment inadvertently suggested by an OA leader.
• Looking right at me during a meeting, he said, "You cannot self-sponsor".
• Though he didn't mention it, in the meeting or after, it has been getting around OA that I still do not have a sponsor. Several people have even called me on it. I have said I am prayerfully considering it. And I am.
• But there has been this internal struggle caused by people I have met that have walked away from 12 Step programs (AA, NA, and OA, most notably) and still maintained their abstinence from addictive behavior. This has created the drive to follow in their footsteps.
• All of these people had two primary characteristics in common (There were others, but those details are for another entry)
• They understood the 12 Steps and their relevance in their life (Hence my continued appearance at the nearest of the distant meetings at least once a week as gas allows)
• Deeply spiritual experiences were a frequent occurrence in their lives (Which I hope to encourage by weekly attendance at the temple as gas allows)
• The experiment is to see if I can, in fact, self-sponsor. Thanks Dave for the idea. This is the only challenge that has piqued my interest
• Expand my educational horizons.
• Several weeks ago, I was between two interviews (Central Payment for sales and then ITT for teaching). 
• I went to the library nearest ITT and there commenced with job searching. While entering, I noticed some artwork in beautiful black and white ink. Each one extolled some artist or writer.
• One of them was Jalal ad-Dīn Muhammad Rumi (usually just Rumi in the US). I hadn't read him in some time, so before leaving for my job interview, I ordered a couple book to be sent to the branch I most often near: A biography on Rumi and one of his works. They were the smaller ones available in those categories. I am still job searching, after all. I have completed nearly half of the biography.
• Blog: Just Do It
• Blogging is good for reviewing my thoughts. I may not have delved into my more troubling thoughts. I may not have noticed those thoughts most in need of being reviewed. But thinking through the day, journaling, as it were, was helpful
• Somehow restart the weekly review of my progress.
• Food selection
• Better quantity: I've begun reducing firsts and avoiding seconds (usually)
• Better quality: Picking choices that would be fewer PPV if I were tracking
• No money = No junk
• Locate the motivation to track once again. I have all of the tools. I need to use them. It just seems so difficult right now.

I'm in a tough spot. I've gained enough weight that I can no longer use my scale. And even if I could, I wouldn't want to step on it right now. I have enough things telling me the weight is coming back on. Most notably, my white pants I only wear at the temple. Of all of my victories undone, that is the most painful.

But the morning presses upon me. I have to upload resumes to work on while I am away from the house. Thank you government for the local library systems and their computers. Thank you online systems that allow me to edit, refine, and tailor using only a web browser.

Yours in the certainty that this too can be overcome,

Eliot

P.S.: 

The lover’s cause is separate from all other causes

Love is the astrolabe of God's mysteries. - Rumi