I like to eat.
I enjoy chewing. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy tasting. I enjoy feeling full.
I relish salty foods. I relish sweet foods. I relish meats. I relish fresh veggies.
I miss my body of just a few weeks ago. I have only had to go up one belt loop, but I take little hope in that. Too many painful aspects involved in just getting around. And I know I am not eating at my best.
Since I knew I would be blogging again, I decided to pay attention to my thinking while I chose what to eat for one meal. That meal ended up being lunch. Lunch was left overs. I selected some beef cooked in a slow cooker, instant mash potatoes, beef gravy, and green bean/carrot coin mix. While selecting the food items, I can say I picked them because I knew I would enjoy them and probably enjoy them more than anything else. The idea of how many points I was eating concerned me briefly. It's easier for me to quantify overindulgence in terms of points. Even knowing I would be recording my thoughts, I took more meat than I needed to, more potatoes than I needed to, and added margarine to my veggies. I would approximate the potatoes at 3/4 cup, the meat at 6 ounces, the gravy at 1/2 cup, the veggies at 1/2 cup, and the margarine at 2 tsp.
I overindulged in quantity, selection, and embellishments. I saw myself doing these things. And I accepted that I was doing it and moved right along in that direction. I would like to hope that I served a little less because I knew I would be reviewing the meal. But I am doubtful. As I pay attention to these things, I still have hope that I will regain my resolve. Resolve, at this time, is difficult because of the intensity and variety of my stresses.
I have not been sleeping well. I have lost quality and quantity. And that has made everything more difficult, including the most stressful part of my life right now. There is a job fair on Thursday that has my attention. I am trying to write tailor-made resumes for the companies that will be there. The job fair has my attention thanks to the second most stressful part of my life, I have enough money in my bank account to pay rent and have about $18 left over. These things weren't going through my mind when I made my food selection. What was going through my mind was trying to motivate myself into doing the dishes by myself as I had all weekend long. But the stress level was definitely there. Just ask my kids if Daddy isn't yelling more than usual.
Thankfully, I have some incredibly forgiving kids. Remembering that has helped me a few times today. Like when I went into the Jaguar and Lemur's room to find a sticky pile of paper towels on their top bunk. The pile consisted of about half a roll of paper towels and half a tube of toothpaste. I didn't get upset. And that was an important victory today. One I hope to build on at the job fair.
And in the end, all of my hopes and fear, stresses and strains, joys and success are where my attention has ended up. They are a part of me, but they don't have to control me. And from there, I can move along to being able to keep on keepin' on along the proper path toward a happier, healthier body, mind, and attitude. Now that I've said it, I need to fake it. And once I fake it, I will be able to live it.
Yours in the hope of being turned around once more,
P.S.: I have accepted an "advancement" in the hierarchy of my church. I put advancement in quotes because it is more of a lateral promotion than a vertical one. For those that are LDS or understand LDS titles, I am going to be a High Priest. It makes me wonder at the spiritual powers that influence our lives. That here, in the midst of being about the worst person I have been in quite some time, I am offered an opportunity of responsibility that just might lead to redemption in more than one area of my life. Truly, that is a divine influence.
Of course, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to have the mantle placed upon my shoulders that allows me to sleep through meetings. Sorry. Bad LDS joke.