Key Setback: Loss in Healthy Eating

I like to eat.

I enjoy chewing. I enjoy cooking. I enjoy tasting. I enjoy feeling full.

I relish salty foods. I relish sweet foods. I relish meats. I relish fresh veggies.

I miss my body of just a few weeks ago. I have only had to go up one belt loop, but I take little hope in that. Too many painful aspects involved in just getting around. And I know I am not eating at my best.

Since I knew I would be blogging again, I decided to pay attention to my thinking while I chose what to eat for one meal. That meal ended up being lunch. Lunch was left overs. I selected some beef cooked in a slow cooker, instant mash potatoes, beef gravy, and green bean/carrot coin mix. While selecting the food items, I can say I picked them because I knew I would enjoy them and probably enjoy them more than anything else. The idea of how many points I was eating concerned me briefly. It's easier for me to quantify overindulgence in terms of points. Even knowing I would be recording my thoughts, I took more meat than I needed to, more potatoes than I needed to, and added margarine to my veggies. I would approximate the potatoes at 3/4 cup, the meat at 6 ounces, the gravy at 1/2 cup, the veggies at 1/2 cup, and the margarine at 2 tsp.

I overindulged in quantity, selection, and embellishments. I saw myself doing these things. And I accepted that I was doing it and moved right along in that direction. I would like to hope that I served a little less because I knew I would be reviewing the meal. But I am doubtful. As I pay attention to these things, I still have hope that I will regain my resolve. Resolve, at this time, is difficult because of the intensity and variety of my stresses.

I have not been sleeping well. I have lost quality and quantity. And that has made everything more difficult, including the most stressful part of my life right now. There is a job fair on Thursday that has my attention. I am trying to write tailor-made resumes for the companies that will be there. The job fair has my attention thanks to the second most stressful part of my life, I have enough money in my bank account to pay rent and have about $18 left over. These things weren't going through my mind when I made my food selection. What was going through my mind was trying to motivate myself into doing the dishes by myself as I had all weekend long. But the stress level was definitely there. Just ask my kids if Daddy isn't yelling more than usual.

Thankfully, I have some incredibly forgiving kids. Remembering that has helped me a few times today. Like when I went into the Jaguar and Lemur's room to find a sticky pile of paper towels on their top bunk. The pile consisted of about half a roll of paper towels and half a tube of toothpaste. I didn't get upset. And that was an important victory today. One I hope to build on at the job fair.

And in the end, all of my hopes and fear, stresses and strains, joys and success are where my attention has ended up. They are a part of me, but they don't have to control me. And from there, I can move along to being able to keep on keepin' on along the proper path toward a happier, healthier body, mind, and attitude. Now that I've said it, I need to fake it. And once I fake it, I will be able to live it.

Yours in the hope of being turned around once more,

Eliot

P.S.: I have accepted an "advancement" in the hierarchy of my church. I put advancement in quotes because it is more of a lateral promotion than a vertical one. For those that are LDS or understand LDS titles, I am going to be a High Priest. It makes me wonder at the spiritual powers that influence our lives. That here, in the midst of being about the worst person I have been in quite some time, I am offered an opportunity of responsibility that just might lead to redemption in more than one area of my life. Truly, that is a divine influence.

Of course, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to have the mantle placed upon my shoulders that allows me to sleep through meetings. Sorry. Bad LDS joke.

Blogs Should Never Leave You Hanging; They Should Part Amicably

Several months ago, there was some research I was doing. I had hit up the scientific journals, the respectable magazines, and a few web sites ranging from fairly reliable to entirely suspicious. I decided to take a different tack: to poke around through the blogosphere. I came across a website on my topic of interest and started reading. It had everything: The joyful successes, the heart rending failures, the underdog rising to the challenge on the tidal surge of optimism, the depression as the riptide of reality carried hope to the abyssal depths. It was everything I had hoped for and more in terms of the personal view on this modern issue. And the prior information I had gleaned provided the framework of understanding to be colored and textured by one person's impassioned struggle against the current that was taking of her life. And then a separate reality set in to my life.

The blog entries just ended.

That was it. Nothing. No more. Had she conquered? Had she been conquered? It was a travelogue of travail that went nowhere. I was left to wonder, albeit briefly. It ended. Time for me to move on.

I have been thinking of this the last two weeks. I needed to do one thing or the other. Either get back into writing (and bring forth the possibility of some form of personal redemption down the road) or I should say my goodbyes. Since I still had a mental habit of authoring blog entries, I needed to make a decision.

So an overview of where I have been in the last several weeks. My last entry was on Tuesday, March 11, 2014. I can still remember the topic I was debating writing about. I had attended an OA meeting. I had locked my keys in my car. I called my wife to come open the door. This is one of those times I regret not have AAA anymore. Now I had to wait. I started out waiting inside the church building. But the church is significantly more progressive to my more fundamentalist way of thinking. I don't believe that God's Laws need updating because man's laws change with the prevailing current wisdom. But that theological discussion is best left for another time. I came across a particularly progressive handout and chose to step outside.

Once outside, I pondered my left ankle. It had been hurting for quite some time. But was I refusing to exercise because of the pain or because I was in some form of reversal of mood. So I set out on what would turn out to be an approximately seven block hike to determine the answer. Not a hike for most people, but it was for me. The triangular path I traversed amid the decades old neighborhood made for some enjoyable sights and observations. And in the end, there was the conclusion that going for that jaunt had been a poor implementation of the experimental method. Never use yourself as the subject in the experiment. My ankle was hurting more than it had in quite some time.

Looking back on the experience, I can say with firm conviction, the unwillingness to exercise was due to both. I have joints that don't jaunt. And I have had a reversal of mood as well. It's the reversal of mood that has me worried. I haven't shown much interest in much of anything. And my poor wife has had to bear the brunt of it. That is especially true given the wonderfully spiritual wedding ceremony Horse and Squirrel have completed some weeks ago. (Note to self: Update side panel. Upgrade Horse's and Squirrel's status.) While I don't want to say I have been depressed, I have been uninterested in pretty much anything. For example, through an unexpected series of events, I managed to come into possession of the entire seven seasons of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 several years ago. MBWM and I would rather have worked it out to get Star Trek: Voyager, but it didn't happen that way. I started watching the series using Windows Media Center. One of the kewl features of Windows Media Center is that you can hit the fast forward button once and it will still play the soundtrack. The track plays faster but the pitch doesn't rise. Although a tremolo in the background music is a disturbing auditory experience. Having been through the series a few times, I skipped many episodes just based on the title or the first 30-40 seconds of the introduction. Still, MBWM noticed the incessant watching. Hard not to notice. She asked me at one point how many more disks were left in the series. I stopped watching them and put the disks up. I wasn't interested in them in the first place so I wasn't distressed about setting them aside.

This lack of interest shows up in other ways. While I have been sending resumes out, networking, reviewing job searching tools with others, and other job search type activities, I have been doing it more out of have to than want to.

Which is a round about way of describing the decisions behind deciding if this blog was a want to or a have to. Okay. Let's be real. It's a want to. And with the loss of interest, many a want went away. But I owe it to my sense of responsibility (to finish what I started), my sense of obligation (to maintain the accountability that gave birth to this blog), and my sense of the appropriate (it is inappropriate to walk out the cyber door without saying good bye) to keep on keepin' on or have an amicable parting of the ways.

That is not to say that this entry is a good bye. That is the point of ponderment for the next few days. I will review the ugly setback that is my life right now. I should face up to at least that much. But I am hoping for something more. I have seen a simple idea work too often not to trust in it one more time. "Fake it 'til you make it." And so, for the next few days, I am going to fake interest in my blog until I am thrilled to be blogging again. And along that planned pathway, I hope for a resurgence in interest in my healthier eating habits.

We shall see. This is either the phoenix-like rebirth for blog and bod, or the long good bye to blogging. Either way, there is a transition coming. I wonder if anyone will be there to witness it.

Yours in the hope that comes again,

Eliot

P.S.: Happy - Because MBWM is coming back from an out of state trip. The joy from being back with her presence is something I will not have to fake and never lost interest in.

Thoughts

Post Number: 157
Review of Yesterday's Progress
     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}
     Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}
     Meetings Attended: None Scheduled
     Exercise Completed: None Scheduled
     M-W's Word of the Day: Jingoism

Yesterday was a day of meditation. I spent much of the day lost in intentional thought. About all I managed to do is establish my current definitions of my problems. I created a list of selfish categories, such as anger and lust, and the list of misspent opportunities, like sleep and service, that have come to put me in a place that I do not want to be in but cannot seem, in an ultimate expression of selfishness, pull myself out of. And while I have those definitions established, I do not know if they are the correct description or merely my expression of the situation.

For the second time in as many weeks, I gave myself permission to take it easy today. And I feel better for the mental meditation but the eating was even worse at first. To pull myself out of the depths of self-imposed misery, I feel that the most important thing that I can do is set and maintain a descent schedule, starting with sleep.

Last night, it was too late to get to bed early. But I forced myself to rise to a schedule that I know is more conducive to my way of living appropriately.

Yours in the faith that will allow the work of restoring sanity to succeed,

Eliot

P.S.: What the poet/author has the tyrannical MacBeth say in a soliloquy to encourage the audience's sympathy ahead of the demise of his power and life.

She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-28)

While the internet has made the opportunity for each of us to record our own tales of idiocy, as we sound off our fury, that signifies nothing to most others, each of us is allowed to achieve our own place on a stage Shakespeare couldn't have imagined. A stage that is bigger, grander, and wider. A place more personal, more educational, and more uplifting. All this and more is possible, if we use it toward that end. So that when the hereafter arrives, we will know for ourselves that our brief candle had either the chance to light the way of others in a spotlight of selfless service or to highlight ourselves in the flashlight of selfish pretentiousness. In the later, we shall fret. In the former, we shall be grateful.

Peaceful Failure

Post Number: 156
Review of Yesterday's Progress
     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}
     Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}
     Meetings Attended: None Scheduled
     Exercise Completed: None Scheduled
     M-W's Word of the Day: Gritty

Peaceful day externally. Intractable day internally. I know I need to make changes. At the very least, I need to keep the small serving sizes satiating. I chose well on portions, poorly on options. Today doesn't bode well.

Yours in the hope that springs eternal,

Eliot

P.S.: Good things those springs are calorie free.

Deep Breath (Evaluation: Week 28)

I am posting this today so it has today's date-stamp. It is somewhat started.

Last Weigh In: Saturday, 8 March 2014

Weight Information -

• Weight: 368.2 lbs
• Weight Change:
• This Week: +2.2 lbs
• To Date: -85.0 lbs
• Weight Gauge: Deep Breath
• Body Mass Index: 57.7 (up from 57.3)
• Daily PPV:
• Assigned: 69 (unchanged)
• Personal: 30 (unchanged)
• PPV This Week: 
• Used: 249 out of 414 {Didn't track Friday}
• Not Used: 165 (39.9%)

Goals (Description / Evaluation) -

• Chronological Goal: No longer obese in 2014 / Well on my way but the stall has been extended. Latest projections for leaving behind morbidly obese using:
• The last 18 weeks of data: Between July 31, 2014 and August 8, 2014, an increase of 10 days
• All 27 weeks of data: Between August 30, 2014 and September 11 2014, an increase of 5 days
• Employment Goals
• Make at least 5 networking contacts each week. / Terrible week at networking. Just didn't have any enthusiasm for it this last week.
• Apply for at least 5 positions each week / Several leads this last week. Not enough follow through. Need to complete last week's leads and continue with new one.
• Weight Watchers Awards this Week: None
• Number Goals: Overall direction is exciting. Long-term quantity is thrilling. 
• Weight: Next three hurdles are as follows
• 20% Weight Loss at 362.4 lbs / 5.8 lbs away
• 100 Pounds Lost at 353.2 lbs / 15.0 lbs away
• Transition off of Kimkins at 350.0 lbs / 16.0 lbs away - Left his mentally awhile ago
• 25% Weight Loss at 362.4 lbs / 28.4 lbs away
• BMI: Reach a value below 40.0 (morbidly obese) / 17.7 away
• PPV Not Used this Week: 287 PPV / 249 PPV - Consumed 32 points more than the goal. And that was in six days of tracking. And I gained weight.
• Feel Good Goal: Consistent practice of my meditation and relaxation techniques / Meditation was non-existent, as was research on meditation and relaxation techniques. Still haven't tried the relaxation audio files I downloaded. This one needs attention. But then, so does my sleep/
• Physical Goals: 
• Walk upright up the stairs of my house every time using the railing only for precaution. / I still need to mountaineer my way up the stairs. Later in the week, I was climbing rather slowly.
• Tie my shoes unassisted anywhere. / I cannot tie my shoes without physical aids but it is getting easier. I didn't need any personalized assistance this week.
• Take a bath in my bathtub. / My bathtub is big enough, but I cannot get into or out of it when it's dry without painful exertion. This would negate any lasting value to the bath. Don't want to try to get out when wet yet.
• Exercise without the Gym: Locate workouts options that don't involve a gym. Check out a couple DVDs from the library. / The biggest loser DVD looks like the right sort of work out except that it left my ankles in too much pain that didn't ease up by the end of the week..
• Weight Watchers:
• Use the paper tracker to record calculated points every day this week. / I have tracked for 20 weeks. I only missed two days: Yesterday and Christmas. Go me!
• Kept available PPV at 30 for my daily points instead of 69 as assigned by WW. / I am hoping for a more stable week in my food selection this week by turning to Simply Filling or similar ideas from Weight Watchers..
• Avoid using 49 weekly points. Daily points leave 39 available every day. That's 273 leftover points available per week. / Nailed it!
• Attend two meetings this week. Scheduled for Wednesday and Saturday. / This goal will be going away next week because Saturday is the last meeting I will be attending for quite awhile.
• Overeaters Anonymous: 
• Attend two meetings this week. Scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday. / Went to Monday instead of Tuesday. Went to Thursday. I will be exchanging the Monday night meeting for the Tuesday afternoon meeting because Asian Red Fox starts a new job this week.
• Perform moral inventory for Step 4. / Didn't work on this one. Want to read more, write more, and explore more.
• Never Ceases to Amuse Me Blog: Journal 300 out of 365 days. / Journaled 67 of 67 days so far this year.
• Reading Materials - Self-assigned reading assignments
• What Color is Your Parachute? - Read this week / Didn't read anything. This doesn't help matters.
• Start Strong. Finish Strong. - Read Chapter 5 / Didn't read anything.
• AA Big Book - Read Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 of the AA Big Book. / Didn't read anything.
• Some books I want to read soon but don't have time but want to read right now:
• WW Find Your Fingerprint
• The Doctor is In
• Good Calories. Bad Calories.
• Hot Button Review: None of these are working right now. This needs attention if I am going to continue using it.
• Mental-Function - Didn't work well to motivate me at all this week.
• Spiritual - Spent more time in fear than prayer. This one should have been my strongest, not my weakest.
• Numbers-Game - Blood pressure is wandering, as expected, but not into over dangerous territory. This hot button didn't motivate me.
• Sticky Notes
• Be active for 5 minutes out of every sedentary hour
• Put down the fork and sip water between bites
• Eat more veggies
• Review Your Blog! What happened to your motivations?
• Get to Bed!

Not a good week. But it's only one week. This can be turned around. This must be turned around. The question is how can it be turned around. The unlimited freedom to eat has shown that I enjoy eating, all the wrong things. But it's also shown that the only part of the program that working is portion control. And that will slip away without becoming strict once again in the food selection and portion control. There are two initial ideas that come to mind: Track aggressively or switch to Simply Filling. While I have been tracking, except for the last two days, I need to track ahead of eating. And when I track, I need to use that number running balance to motivate my food selection as it has in the past. Or, as an alternate to tracking, only consume Weight Watchers Power Foods. This is known as Simply Filling, which is taken another step into Simple Start. Your assigned points are ignored under Simply Filling so long as you eat only power foods. Only those foods that aren't power foods are tracked and are based on the 49 weekly points everyone receives. In anticipation of this change in food selection philosophy, I have created a list of all of the power foods listed in the Weight Watchers guide. I will be prayerful

<!--- UPDATED TO HERE -->

Looking Forward:

• Keep the job search going strong and the networking stronger.
• Look for causes in loss of motivation.
• GET ON PROGRAM with Weight Watchers, especially keeping the daily points consumed to a daily maximum of 30 PPV.
• Avoid the temptation of high carb nibbles into my week except for Saturday.
• Get on track with gym-less exercise.
• Attend all meetings. Don't schedule things before them. Review calendar every morning. Listen to alarms and reminders and follow through on them.
• Hold onto the joyful feelings of this day to get me through the the times of lesser success in weight loss, the trudging through job searching, and other complications life is throwing my way.

IVCUFI:

IV - I have found the way of
CU - I have seized the road by
FI - I am enjoying the journey by

Post Number: 155

Review of Yesterday's Progress

     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}

     Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}

     Meetings Attended: Weight Watchers

     Exercise Completed: None Scheduled

     M-W's Word of the Day: Cerebral

     Page Views to Date: 2050 (Increased by 71 Page Views This Week)

Yours ,

Eliot

P.S.:

NOTES

Weight Watchers, 8 March 2014

Last Week:

This Week:

Next Week: 

Slip Slidding Away

Post Number: 154

Review of Yesterday's Progress

     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track or want to}

     Pedometer Reading: 5837

     Meetings Attended: None Scheduled

     Exercise Completed: None

     M-W's Word of the Day: Cleave

I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, or tracking well. Yesterday, I just plain gave up. I kept portions small, but for too much of the day, the eating was of completely the wrong things. And what makes this even a little more upsetting is the fact that it's only the food selection that was bad this week, not the point totals. I left at least 20 points available at the end of every day. Now I am going to face the consequences of those food choices. Even though I have no actual quantitative data to go on, I expect I gained 5 to 6 pounds this week. While I am not the least bit excited about today, I need to turn this around. Somewhere, there is some fight in me that can turn this around.

Time to face music. I hope it's Rocky's Theme.

Yours in the certainty that this can be reversed,

Eliot

P.S.: When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state. (Sonnet 29)

I Do Believe My Hunger is Being Froward

Post Number: 153

Review of Yesterday's Progress
     Daily PPV Used/Left: 38/31 of 69 (Goal: 30/39)
     Pedometer Reading: 5019
     Meetings Attended: Overeaters Anonymous
     Exercise Completed: None
     M-W's Word of the Day: Froward {This is not a misspelling}
     {Don't use this word in reference to your kids in spite of the extreme temptation to do so.}

I have mixed feelings about today. I feel like I am gaining weight. I have a scale but haven't confirmed whether I have gained weight. Some of the good points were the small portions (not enough spaghetti to cover a 4 inch plate), the extended time to eat high calorie items (nearly 2 hours for one small bag of chips), the leaving off of some ingredients (like the tortillas in our breakfast burritos), and other back-patting worthy events I can point to. But what makes it mixed is the concern that I may be looking for those things to call successes. Am I searching for these success all the while putting nearly 1 tablespoon of butter on a large serving of green beans and a full tablespoon of sour cream on my breakfast burrito? While eating chocolate candy and potato chips in the same day, am I seeking to placate my jittery emotions?

I will know tomorrow how I am doing. Tomorrow is weigh in at Weight Watchers. The added pounds will be rough. And, sadly, the beginning of the end will be even more difficult.

But instead of focusing on that, I want to focus on the end of the beginning in my exercise. I need to find something. The Biggest Loser attempt still has my ankles screaming. But I must attempt something. Today, it is Functional Fitness. Except for the pain, having all of the kids join me in the exercising was quite enjoyable.

Hopefully, those feelings of joy will carry my through the job searching. I have not yet completed the job applications for the positions I found this week. And I sometimes wonder if this is a negative influence in my emotional well-being that is leading to the poor eating habits. Money is getting tighter and tighter while Horse's wedding is drawing closer and closer.

These and other emotional influences, positive and negative, need to be explored through prayer, meditation, exploration, and journaling.

Thank you for joining me on this journey!

Eliot

P.S.: Prepare and prevent, don't repair and repent.