Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Thoughts

Post Number: 157
Review of Yesterday's Progress
     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}
     Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}
     Meetings Attended: None Scheduled
     Exercise Completed: None Scheduled
     M-W's Word of the Day: Jingoism

Yesterday was a day of meditation. I spent much of the day lost in intentional thought. About all I managed to do is establish my current definitions of my problems. I created a list of selfish categories, such as anger and lust, and the list of misspent opportunities, like sleep and service, that have come to put me in a place that I do not want to be in but cannot seem, in an ultimate expression of selfishness, pull myself out of. And while I have those definitions established, I do not know if they are the correct description or merely my expression of the situation.

For the second time in as many weeks, I gave myself permission to take it easy today. And I feel better for the mental meditation but the eating was even worse at first. To pull myself out of the depths of self-imposed misery, I feel that the most important thing that I can do is set and maintain a descent schedule, starting with sleep.

Last night, it was too late to get to bed early. But I forced myself to rise to a schedule that I know is more conducive to my way of living appropriately.

Yours in the faith that will allow the work of restoring sanity to succeed,

Eliot

P.S.: What the poet/author has the tyrannical MacBeth say in a soliloquy to encourage the audience's sympathy ahead of the demise of his power and life.
She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-28)
While the internet has made the opportunity for each of us to record our own tales of idiocy, as we sound off our fury, that signifies nothing to most others, each of us is allowed to achieve our own place on a stage Shakespeare couldn't have imagined. A stage that is bigger, grander, and wider. A place more personal, more educational, and more uplifting. All this and more is possible, if we use it toward that end. So that when the hereafter arrives, we will know for ourselves that our brief candle had either the chance to light the way of others in a spotlight of selfless service or to highlight ourselves in the flashlight of selfish pretentiousness. In the later, we shall fret. In the former, we shall be grateful.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Peaceful Failure

Post Number: 156
Review of Yesterday's Progress
     Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}
     Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}
     Meetings Attended: None Scheduled
     Exercise Completed: None Scheduled
     M-W's Word of the Day: Gritty

Peaceful day externally. Intractable day internally. I know I need to make changes. At the very least, I need to keep the small serving sizes satiating. I chose well on portions, poorly on options. Today doesn't bode well.

Yours in the hope that springs eternal,

Eliot

P.S.: Good things those springs are calorie free.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Deep Breath (Evaluation: Week 28)

I am posting this today so it has today's date-stamp. It is somewhat started.

Last Weigh In: Saturday, 8 March 2014

Weight Information -
  • Weight: 368.2 lbs
  • Weight Change:
    • This Week: +2.2 lbs
    • To Date: -85.0 lbs
  • Weight Gauge: Deep Breath
  • Body Mass Index: 57.7 (up from 57.3)
  • Daily PPV:
    • Assigned: 69 (unchanged)
    • Personal: 30 (unchanged)
  • PPV This Week: 
    • Used: 249 out of 414 {Didn't track Friday}
    • Not Used: 165 (39.9%)
Goals (Description / Evaluation) -
  • Chronological Goal: No longer obese in 2014 / Well on my way but the stall has been extended. Latest projections for leaving behind morbidly obese using:
    • The last 18 weeks of data: Between July 31, 2014 and August 8, 2014, an increase of 10 days
    • All 27 weeks of data: Between August 30, 2014 and September 11 2014, an increase of 5 days
  • Employment Goals
    • Make at least 5 networking contacts each week. / Terrible week at networking. Just didn't have any enthusiasm for it this last week.
    • Apply for at least 5 positions each week / Several leads this last week. Not enough follow through. Need to complete last week's leads and continue with new one.
  • Weight Watchers Awards this Week: None
  • Number Goals: Overall direction is exciting. Long-term quantity is thrilling. 
    • Weight: Next three hurdles are as follows
      • 20% Weight Loss at 362.4 lbs / 5.8 lbs away
      • 100 Pounds Lost at 353.2 lbs / 15.0 lbs away
      • Transition off of Kimkins at 350.0 lbs / 16.0 lbs away - Left his mentally awhile ago
      • 25% Weight Loss at 362.4 lbs / 28.4 lbs away
    • BMI: Reach a value below 40.0 (morbidly obese) / 17.7 away
    • PPV Not Used this Week: 287 PPV / 249 PPV - Consumed 32 points more than the goal. And that was in six days of tracking. And I gained weight.
  • Feel Good Goal: Consistent practice of my meditation and relaxation techniques / Meditation was non-existent, as was research on meditation and relaxation techniques. Still haven't tried the relaxation audio files I downloaded. This one needs attention. But then, so does my sleep/
  • Physical Goals: 
    • Walk upright up the stairs of my house every time using the railing only for precaution. / I still need to mountaineer my way up the stairs. Later in the week, I was climbing rather slowly.
    • Tie my shoes unassisted anywhere. / I cannot tie my shoes without physical aids but it is getting easier. I didn't need any personalized assistance this week.
    • Take a bath in my bathtub. / My bathtub is big enough, but I cannot get into or out of it when it's dry without painful exertion. This would negate any lasting value to the bath. Don't want to try to get out when wet yet.
  • Exercise without the Gym: Locate workouts options that don't involve a gym. Check out a couple DVDs from the library. / The biggest loser DVD looks like the right sort of work out except that it left my ankles in too much pain that didn't ease up by the end of the week..
    • Weight Watchers:
      • Use the paper tracker to record calculated points every day this week. / I have tracked for 20 weeks. I only missed two days: Yesterday and Christmas. Go me!
      • Kept available PPV at 30 for my daily points instead of 69 as assigned by WW. / I am hoping for a more stable week in my food selection this week by turning to Simply Filling or similar ideas from Weight Watchers..
      • Avoid using 49 weekly points. Daily points leave 39 available every day. That's 273 leftover points available per week. / Nailed it!
      • Attend two meetings this week. Scheduled for Wednesday and Saturday. / This goal will be going away next week because Saturday is the last meeting I will be attending for quite awhile.
    • Overeaters Anonymous: 
      • Attend two meetings this week. Scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday. / Went to Monday instead of Tuesday. Went to Thursday. I will be exchanging the Monday night meeting for the Tuesday afternoon meeting because Asian Red Fox starts a new job this week.
      • Perform moral inventory for Step 4. / Didn't work on this one. Want to read more, write more, and explore more.
    • Never Ceases to Amuse Me Blog: Journal 300 out of 365 days. / Journaled 67 of 67 days so far this year.
    • Reading Materials - Self-assigned reading assignments
      • What Color is Your Parachute? - Read this week / Didn't read anything. This doesn't help matters.
      • Start Strong. Finish Strong. - Read Chapter 5 / Didn't read anything.
      • AA Big Book - Read Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 of the AA Big Book. / Didn't read anything.
      • Some books I want to read soon but don't have time but want to read right now:
        • WW Find Your Fingerprint
        • The Doctor is In
        • Good Calories. Bad Calories.
    • Hot Button Review: None of these are working right now. This needs attention if I am going to continue using it.
      • Mental-Function - Didn't work well to motivate me at all this week.
      • Spiritual - Spent more time in fear than prayer. This one should have been my strongest, not my weakest.
      • Numbers-Game - Blood pressure is wandering, as expected, but not into over dangerous territory. This hot button didn't motivate me.
    • Sticky Notes
      • Be active for 5 minutes out of every sedentary hour
      • Put down the fork and sip water between bites
      • Eat more veggies
      • Review Your Blog! What happened to your motivations?
      • Get to Bed!
    Not a good week. But it's only one week. This can be turned around. This must be turned around. The question is how can it be turned around. The unlimited freedom to eat has shown that I enjoy eating, all the wrong things. But it's also shown that the only part of the program that working is portion control. And that will slip away without becoming strict once again in the food selection and portion control. There are two initial ideas that come to mind: Track aggressively or switch to Simply Filling. While I have been tracking, except for the last two days, I need to track ahead of eating. And when I track, I need to use that number running balance to motivate my food selection as it has in the past. Or, as an alternate to tracking, only consume Weight Watchers Power Foods. This is known as Simply Filling, which is taken another step into Simple Start. Your assigned points are ignored under Simply Filling so long as you eat only power foods. Only those foods that aren't power foods are tracked and are based on the 49 weekly points everyone receives. In anticipation of this change in food selection philosophy, I have created a list of all of the power foods listed in the Weight Watchers guide. I will be prayerful

    <!--- UPDATED TO HERE -->
    Looking Forward:
    • Keep the job search going strong and the networking stronger.
    • Look for causes in loss of motivation.
    • GET ON PROGRAM with Weight Watchers, especially keeping the daily points consumed to a daily maximum of 30 PPV.
    • Avoid the temptation of high carb nibbles into my week except for Saturday.
    • Get on track with gym-less exercise.
    • Attend all meetings. Don't schedule things before them. Review calendar every morning. Listen to alarms and reminders and follow through on them.
    • Hold onto the joyful feelings of this day to get me through the the times of lesser success in weight loss, the trudging through job searching, and other complications life is throwing my way.
    IVCUFI:
    IV - I have found the way of
    CU - I have seized the road by
    FI - I am enjoying the journey by


    Post Number: 155
    Review of Yesterday's Progress
         Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track. Didn't eat well, either}
         Pedometer Reading: - {Didn't wear my pedometer}
         Meetings Attended: Weight Watchers
         Exercise Completed: None Scheduled
         Page Views to Date: 2050 (Increased by 71 Page Views This Week)

    Yours ,

    Eliot

    P.S.:



    NOTES
    Weight Watchers, 8 March 2014
    Last Week:

    This Week:

    Next Week: 

    Saturday, March 8, 2014

    Slip Slidding Away

    Post Number: 154
    Review of Yesterday's Progress
         Daily PPV Used/Left: ?/? of 69 (Goal: 30/39) {Didn't track or want to}
         Pedometer Reading: 5837
         Meetings Attended: None Scheduled
         Exercise Completed: None

    I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, or tracking well. Yesterday, I just plain gave up. I kept portions small, but for too much of the day, the eating was of completely the wrong things. And what makes this even a little more upsetting is the fact that it's only the food selection that was bad this week, not the point totals. I left at least 20 points available at the end of every day. Now I am going to face the consequences of those food choices. Even though I have no actual quantitative data to go on, I expect I gained 5 to 6 pounds this week. While I am not the least bit excited about today, I need to turn this around. Somewhere, there is some fight in me that can turn this around.

    Time to face music. I hope it's Rocky's Theme.

    Yours in the certainty that this can be reversed,

    Eliot

    P.S.: When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state. (Sonnet 29)

    Friday, March 7, 2014

    I Do Believe My Hunger is Being Froward

    Post Number: 153
    Review of Yesterday's Progress
         Daily PPV Used/Left: 38/31 of 69 (Goal: 30/39)
         Pedometer Reading: 5019
         Meetings Attended: Overeaters Anonymous
         Exercise Completed: None
         M-W's Word of the DayFroward {This is not a misspelling}
         {Don't use this word in reference to your kids in spite of the extreme temptation to do so.}

    I have mixed feelings about today. I feel like I am gaining weight. I have a scale but haven't confirmed whether I have gained weight. Some of the good points were the small portions (not enough spaghetti to cover a 4 inch plate), the extended time to eat high calorie items (nearly 2 hours for one small bag of chips), the leaving off of some ingredients (like the tortillas in our breakfast burritos), and other back-patting worthy events I can point to. But what makes it mixed is the concern that I may be looking for those things to call successes. Am I searching for these success all the while putting nearly 1 tablespoon of butter on a large serving of green beans and a full tablespoon of sour cream on my breakfast burrito? While eating chocolate candy and potato chips in the same day, am I seeking to placate my jittery emotions?

    I will know tomorrow how I am doing. Tomorrow is weigh in at Weight Watchers. The added pounds will be rough. And, sadly, the beginning of the end will be even more difficult.

    But instead of focusing on that, I want to focus on the end of the beginning in my exercise. I need to find something. The Biggest Loser attempt still has my ankles screaming. But I must attempt something. Today, it is Functional Fitness. Except for the pain, having all of the kids join me in the exercising was quite enjoyable.

    Hopefully, those feelings of joy will carry my through the job searching. I have not yet completed the job applications for the positions I found this week. And I sometimes wonder if this is a negative influence in my emotional well-being that is leading to the poor eating habits. Money is getting tighter and tighter while Horse's wedding is drawing closer and closer.

    These and other emotional influences, positive and negative, need to be explored through prayer, meditation, exploration, and journaling.

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!

    Eliot

    P.S.: Prepare and prevent, don't repair and repent.

    Thursday, March 6, 2014

    Turn Around, Bright Eyes

    Post Number: 152
    Review of Yesterday's Progress
         Daily PPV Used/Left: 40/29 of 69 (Goal: 30/39)
         Pedometer Reading: 2752
         Meetings Attended: Missed Weight Watchers
         Exercise Completed: None
         M-W's Word of the DaySoothsayer

    Most of the day was spent in seeking out jobs to apply for. I found some that were right down my alley. I found more that were only a little way off. I worked on these for quite awhile. But then around 4 pm, I switched over to playing an SNES Emulator that I recently downloaded. I enjoyed the opportunity to veg. Now, if I had eaten more veggies, I would have had a better day. But there were several successes. I have a chocolate stash that has been building for the last several months. All of the chocolate has been given to me. I only ate a few small pieces off of one of the bars. I made a grilled meat and cheese sandwich and ate only half. The other half going to my daughter. While I did eat more quantity than was comfortable a couple times. I did stop eating at the point of discomfort rather than continuing one to feeling indigestion like I did yesterday. The two hardest parts of my food selection right now are (1) picking the healthier options {ETNTM has been weakened} and (2) tracking as I go. I have had the most difficult time tracking these last couple days. Most of my tracking is no longer occurring as I eat but well after I eat. This means I need to rely on my memory. And I wonder if I am my recorded points are lower than reality.

    Part of that reality is that I still have great hope. I have come down 87 pounds already. I am most fearful of how much weight I will put on until I manage to refocus my efforts. And without the support group at Weight Watchers, it will be difficult. Relying on OA provides a different support system, but the only one I will have left outside of the family. The distinction for me is that Weight Watchers is the mental, intellectual, and emotional support. OA is the spiritual and emotional support. In spite of this counterproductive fear and loss of the one channel of support, I am still hopeful that progress, in the long-term, will absolutely be achieved. We shall see.

    And now I must see to my day. I located several jobs to apply for. I started tailoring the resumes. Now I need to get them finished and out the proverbial door. And after those applications for the direct hit and nearly direct hits to my experience are completed, I need to locate the subsistence positions. I need to locate something. I need to turn around my economical and physical situations.

    Turn around, bright eyes. . .

    Yours in the hope of the successes of today leading to the greater joys of tomorrow,

    Eliot

    P.S.:
    A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
    His beak can hold more than his belly can.
    He can hold in his beak
    Enough food for a week!
    But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican.

    She smiled the day that I met her
    And had eyes that said 'love' with four letters
    And she carried the day
    As I thought of the way
    I'd done worse but I've never had better

    Source: Clean Limericks

    I don't know where this one comes from. I should Google it to see if I can find a definitive source -

    A limerick packs jokes anatomical
    Into space that is quite economical.
    But good ones I've seen,
    So seldom are clean,
    And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

    And a quick turn of my hand at the art form -

    This man be praised from Virginia
    Whose wife asked, "Would you please thin ya?"
    His weight knew some ups
    More downs pleased the grups
    And so he worked to contin-ya

    Okay, it needs some help. Let's call it a work in progress. . .

    Wednesday, March 5, 2014

    Closing the Door on One Failure. Seeking the Door of the Next Success.

    Post Number: 151
    Review of Yesterday's Progress
         Daily PPV Used/Left: 47/22 of 69 (Goal: 30/39)
         KimKins Refocus: Day 3 of 3
         Pedometer Reading: 3097 (paused)
         Meetings Attended: Attended Overeaters Anonymous Previously
         Exercise Completed: None
         M-W's Word of the DayDisinterested

    Three strikes and I'm out. My three-day effort at LCLF eating was miserable. This made for a tough day, especially after eating so many points. What made it even tougher was having to cancel my subscription to Weight Watchers. Once again, the day started pretty good, continued fairly well, but then snacking set in, even while making dinner. Yes, there are BLTN's of the ingredients while cooking. BLTN's are a part of the eating and tracking processes. But I was eating pretzels with cheese. The cheese was an ingredient for dinner; the pretzels were not.

    While I was eating dinner, feeling sick because I ate too much, I kept reviewing my thoughts and actions. I need to retain this sensation of feeling sick from eating this much food. This means I need to have the thoughts and actions that will encourage remaining on the course. And what have I learned from the last three days about retaining those thoughts and actions?

    I will miss Weight Watchers. But I don't think it's loss is triggering this eating splurge.

    LCLF is not the option of right now. While I enjoy the simplicity of LCLF, I'm easily thrown off course of late. And event the point expense of high carb items didn't deter me. 5 PPV for a small granola bar. This is an example symptom.

    And I need to learn why I am snacking, making poor food choices, and barely maintaining reasonable serving sizes.

    I need to clean out my drawer of LCLF foods. If I am going to head off of LCLF, my drawer in the fridge with my foods set aside, I need to eat out the LCLF foods and start filling it with low point foods.

    I need to get to bed sooner. That will be easy for the next several days after only about 4 hours of sleep two nights ago.

    Yours in the potential of the new success,

    Eliot

    P.S.:
    P - Please
    O - Observe
    S - Some
    T - Thoughts:
    S - Simple
    C - Cryptic
    R - Rhetorical
    I - Intelligent
    P - Powerful
    T - Thought-provoking
    P.P.S.: How about that Putin? Unraveling my previous rant with a few simple well chosen words on his troops going home. Oh well.